The Difference.

It's weird. Life. Sometimes it's great and sometimes its utter SHIT. I think, at this very moment, I'm caught up somewhere inbetween the two. Not happy. Not sad. I think maybe, numb? I think that's it. I don't really feel anything right now. And I'd rather this, than how I've been feeling. I got ghosted by someone I actually enjoyed talking to. I got robbed AND ghosted by someone different. Now I'm talking to someone else who makes me feel really good. But I'm not sure he even likes me. And to be honest, I'm kinda waiting for him to disappear too. That just kinda seems to be the thing for me. And I feel this longing, it's pathetic really. I was fine being alone for so long and now? I crave it. The intimacy. The passion. It's how I have become so foolish. It's blinded me. It's made me completely idiotic. An imbecile. A fucking mouth breather for crying out loud! Not desperate, not that. If that was the case, I'd jump in bed with the first person I saw and shack up with the first person that gave me attention. But I'm definitely more open to a relationship than I was 3 years ago. I'm still working on myself, I'll forever do that. I wanna be the best version of myself. Always wanting to be better than the person I was the day before. Some days I feel completely broken. Some days? I feel like I can take on the world and that there's not a single person on this earth who can stop me. Crazy? Maybe lol.

I can't sleep and I'm up trying to figure out ways I can be better. Do better. I can think of a million different ways I want to be different. But right now they just seem unattainable. I'm always too hard on myself though. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll feel different.